March 1st is National Pig Day

...and even though he'd won second place,
Francisco considered the contest a bust.
He spoke seven languages.
He was a chess master.
And yet he'd been bested by
a Yorkshire named Mr. Taco
in what turned out to be
a glorified eating
competition.

Darla,
on the other hand,
beamed with
pride.

A Brief Compilation of Unholy Holidays

A smattering from the last nine years. Just because.

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

September 24th is Fish Amnesty Day! Get a move on it!

No longer, Becky told herself,
would Mr. Squiggy be forced to circle
his tiny bowl of tepid tap water,
goggled by visitors and fed those small
factory made protein pellets.
No, for today he had been made free,
free to make his own choices, 
liberated from the stifling care
of his old home,
to chart his own course
and seek his own fortune.

It's Robinson Crusoe Day!

Yes, indeed. A fine, fine day to send out message in a bottle tweets from your remote island home.

Incidentally, I've never typed in phone text abbreviations before, and had to visit the Twitter feeds of both Kanye West and Paris Hilton to research this sort of thing.

It's World Egg Day!

On approaching the object,
Mable could think of nothing but
omelets, pancakes and cookies;
her every neural impulse
trained on visions of
homecooked vittles,
baked and fried.

This was indeed unfortunate.

It's National Rationalization Day!

Kevin realized he'd left the screen door carelessly ajar, and for this he would surely be punished. Still, there were no longer any leftovers moldering in the fridge, and Mom had never really approved of those old hunting trophies anyway.

And...


Today also marks the launch of The Rhinoceros Boy's Lament Store on zazzle.com, accessible through the lovely widget panel to your right. You now have a one stop shop for Unholy Holiday ephemera and other high quality goodies.

Never again face Penguin Awareness Day without a gift to give!

September 30th is Ask A Stupid Question Day.

I won't be in the studio to celebrate it, as I'll be out teaching all day. Which, come to think of it, might provide ample celebration...


September 30th marks the much venerated
Ask a Stupid Question Day.

But it remains a day
like any other for
Eliza Lee Bonodona, who,
for once in her vibrant young life,
would like to take
her Capybara,
"Mr. Whiskers,"
to the park without without
having to respond to
the ubiquitous,
"Dude,
how old is that
Guinea Pig?"

August 22nd is National Tooth Fairy Day!

While little publicized, it is nonetheless true that for every cavity, root canal, or pulled tooth, the Tooth Fairy pays one late night visit, during which she roots through couch cushions and laundry baskets, retrieving loose change from our less dentally fastidious populace. Every 22nd of August, she balances her books and purchases for herself a brand new tutu.

It's National Grammar Day!

March 4th is National Grammar Day,
and so it bears mentioning that even if, in the end, the statement
"Ain't no way no flying pig's gonna hit this spot twice,"
achieves through its triple negative
an outcome no less negative than intended,
such a syntactic transgression rarely goes
uncontradicted or
unpunished.

Happy Groundhog Day.

Uncle Chip would often detail
just how he'd shot it,
while his sister Mary would tell us
how easy it had been to clean.
It tasted a good deal like pot roast,
but pot roast made from a very,
very small cow.

Woroniak Family Groundhog

One Groundhog, cleaned and with scent gland removed, cut into sections.
One white onion, halved.
Three medium carrots, sliced.
Water.
Vegetable oil.
Salt and pepper.


Heat oil in a large skillet, brown ground hog sections.
Transfer to dutch oven.
Reduce heat, add one cup water and simmer till water reduces by 1/2. Repeat.
Add onion, carrots, and more water. Continue to simmer until sauce reduces and carrots are tender.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Bird Day.

National Pie Day, among other things...

A Cautionary Note In This Festive Time

While it is entirely true that
December 1st is National Pie Day,
and the first week of December marks
Recipe Greetings for the Holidays Week,
it is also worth noting that the whole
thirty-one days as a unit constitutes
(in the more temperate climates,
but I kid you not nonetheless)
Cooked Grasshoppers Month.

Have a Party With Your Bear Day Is Upon Us!

Happy Sea Serpent Day!

A few words of caution:

When encountering an aquatic beast of unknown origin, always maintain a safe enough distance to account for the possibility that the object of your attention is in fact a sock puppet.

Saturday is World Cow Chip Day!

It's Wear a Plunger On Your Head Day!

oil on canvas, 2007

December 18th is traditionally Wear a Plunger On Your Head Day, a day that ex-bounty hunter Vern Halsey and his beloved Komodo Dragon, Felix, continue to celebrate almost entirely by themselves.
I've looked high and low, and while I've found several sources of documentation confirming this holiday's existence, nowhere have I found any explanation—and I'd settle for an implausible one—for said existence.

Nonetheless, there really is something inherently funny about plungers, something that goes beyond pure potty humor, something about their clumsy shape and vaguely onomatopoetic appellation, coupled with the lack of romance to be found in their one true function.

For all the unsavory qualities of their calling, there is something friendly or at least nonthreatening enough about a plunger that some ninny out there would not only suction one of those terra cotta hued babies to his noggin, but declare a day of solidarity with all other such ninnies.

It's National Scrapple Day!

oil on paper, 13" x 22".
brush, pen and ink, 7" x 5"

"Leo 'Pops' Spirodopolous, proprietor and short order cook of the Possum Poke Diner, prides himself on shaping his scrapple into reconstituted animal shapes, which are rendered nearly unrecognizable once cooked. This, however, no one ever mentions to him."

For those of you too far west to have enjoyed this mid-Atlantic treat, scrapple is a yummy gray loaf of finely ground, boiled pork scraps mixed with cornmeal, salt, and pepper. It is best served sliced and fried, and tastes like, well, scrapple. Not sausage, not bacon, not even chicken, but its own unique oeuvre of olfactory stimulation, an achievement not often attained by offal-based processed breakfast side orders. While not quite a delicacy, this oft-maligned regional artery stopper is lauded fervently by its many flanneled defenders, and its mention in even passing conversation is met consistently with fanatical praise or unbridled nose-crinkling disgust.

Even among its supporters, the dish is frequently described as an acquired taste. The chilly Saturday morning my dad first tried to acquaint his young children with it, none of us could be sure what to make of it, for its texture and flavor defied even our most imaginative expectations. It should be noted, too, that in spite of its seeming malleability, it does not take well to being modeled into cool shapes before frying, and believe me, we tried.